Have you ever had an experience that you didn’t like or that didn’t work for you?

Perhaps you went to a talk that bored you senseless or you had a fling with someone just soooo inappropriate and afterwards wondered what you saw in them. You can tell I’m talking from experience right?

You may have felt like you wasted your time. You wondered how on earth you got there.

You may feel resistance or discomfort, or think “why did I do that?” or “what a waste of time!“. However in this reaction is another layer of truth. Don’t dismiss it, look at it, it has great clues for you.

Knowing what you don’t want, is a huge help towards knowing what you do want.

I went to a group meeting of a body of work called ‘Real Love’ a while back, out of curiosity and a desire to learn and meet new people into doing group work around the heart and love. I was sent a video beforehand of the founder doing a presentation. It looked like it was from the 1980s and I found it annoying and manipulative.

I went to the group anyway. Curiosity killed the cat, right?

OMFG it was pretty awful and very weird, it made me so grateful for Heart Intelligence and the other group work that I do! (not to slag them off but it really wasn’t for me!)

It was so heady (just talking) and didactic (teachy and preachy) mainly focusing on unhelpful thought patterns, which I get can be useful, although for me they’re only part of the vast internal jigsaw we each have. By staying in the heady realm the evening was low in energy, heavy and soupy, like we all got lost in the thoughts and the endless tangents of thoughts. Without resolution or shifts.

Through this headiness was a total lack of the group members feeling themselves, feeling each other and responding to each other generously (for example with a smile or a few words such as “I really feel you“) which in Heart Intelligence is very much encouraged. I know that there is very deep healing to be had from simply being received by others and feeling felt. This was terribly lacking in this group, on this occasion anyway.

I felt there was very little safety created and again as I know, safety is paramount as it allows people to feel so held that they’re willing to explore deep within themselves and show their vulnerabilities. It allows healing to happen naturally, without being pushed.

The guy running the group was confrontive and slightly aggressive, saying the words “I love you” but I felt his energy just wasn’t congruent with them. He told people who they were, what their problem was, ie calling them out on their shit. I get it was all about TRUTH, but it didn’t feel good at all!

The three people who shared in depth, voiced how crap they felt at the end of the evening! The energy of the whole experience was heavy, tense and anxious. It didn’t seem helpful at all. It didn’t feel at all empowering either, it even felt quite cult-ish (something I’ve experienced before, but that’s a whole other story…), like you have to keep coming to get the unconditional love you need, with no support of how people can have more of it internally, in their lives and existing relationships, or outside of the group. For me, that’s not ok.

I didn’t want to say anything for fear of being ‘attacked’. It just didn’t feel very loving at all – ‘Real Love’ – hardly! Some of the group shared at the end, that it was a heavier than a normal evening and that its usually more fun. So perhaps I went to a tough week. I don’t mind toughness, I’m OK with going into the darkness, feeling fear or anxiety, but for me there was no moving through it, no resolution, no joy in it (which there can be!).

It was a fascinating experience for me, as I felt and tracked myself, felt and read the group, watching with curiosity my tension, anxiety and what was getting triggered. I’m really glad I went. It was enlightening. It confirmed that the work I do is safe, gentle, healing, accepting… and joyful! Healing can be joyful and I love that!

Disclaimer: I attended one meeting once and am sharing my personal experience here with you. I do not mean to disregard the model or the work of Real Love and I encourage you to explore it for yourself if you feel curious to.


Your Practice

#1 Next time you have a weird feeling about something, feel uncomfortable or have a disturbing experience, don’t dismiss it, even if your experience seems to be the total opposite of everyone else’s

#2 Track what it is telling you. All your feelings (emotions, physical & energetic sensations) are there for a reason, they’re your natural guidance system telling you something is off. Listen to those clues.

#3 Listen, notice and follow those clues. Don’t make your decision to be there wrong. They may be telling you what you don’t like or want, which is of course giving you clues to what you do want – perhaps the opposite!

With love

Hils x

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