Not feeling ‘good enough’

Every single one of us runs (consciously or unconsciously), to a more or lesser degree, a story or belief around not being good enough. On a deep level, we all struggle to fully love and accept ourselves!

Feeling not good enough may show up in relation to a particular person (family member, romantic partner, work colleague), you may feel not good enough to have loads of money, not feel good enough to have a great job or successful business, or you may feel not good enough to give yourself permission to relax and have fun.

It is so so common. We all suffer from feeling our ‘core unworthiness’* at times.

I do and you do too. It feels shit!

It may be really obvious when it comes up for you as you hear yourself say internally things like “I can’t relax because I’ve not finished the housework”, “what if he thinks I’m not good enough for him?” or “I’ll never get that job/make that money because I’m just not bright enough”.

Or, feeling your core unworthiness could be more subtle, for example feeling jealous and upset that your partner is having a nice conversation with another woman/man. If you felt totally confident in yourself and in the relationship, this would be fine, there would be no trigger, no jealousy and no upset. However, if you’re unconsciously running beliefs around not being good enough (such as feeling too fat, not attractive enough, not funny enough or whatever causes you to feel unworthy of love) then the jealousy monster will rear its ugly head and cause you to feel threatened.

The resulting yucky feeling is feeling your core unworthiness*.

 

How to get rid of your ‘core unworthiness’

How do you know if you’re having an attack of core unworthiness?

Well if you think about something you really really want to do or achieve. At some point as you dream big and feel into it, you’ll hear a but that goes something like “I so want to work for myself but I just don’t have what it takes” or “I really wish for a beautiful relationship but I always attract losers/crazies” or “I’d love to have financial freedom but it’s just not possible for me”.

I believe that in the moment when you feel your core unworthiness, you are simply not loving yourself.

Now, we can’t get rid of core unworthiness totally, we all have it and it will pop up now and again at best, or in every single moment at worst. I do believe that you can feel it less and less and be less at the effect of it, by working on increasing your self-love. Loving yourself is something which you can learn and practice which will bolster you through the inevitable bumpy times of life.

 

What is self-love?

I help people activate a deeper love and acceptance for themselves through the coaching and group work I do.

I believe loving yourself means;

  • To care for all parts of you; your body, mind and spirit.
  • To respect yourself and have healthy boundaries (to say no when you want to say no and say YES! to what you really want also).
  • To be kind and gentle towards yourself with deep acceptance (see my blog post: Be your own best friend)
  • To know and understand yourself, your thoughts, feelings and needs so you can be authentic.
  • To strive to learn, grow and expand your awareness, knowledge and heart.
  • To live your true purpose.
  • To stay light and joyful, grounded and centred, no matter what external circumstances are happening.

I use self-love, as the umbrella term which includes self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence and self-connection, self-care, self-respect and self-belief. The more self-love you have, the more you have all of these other qualities. They in fact all feed into each other too; the more you believe in yourself the more you will love yourself, the more self-confidence you have, the higher your self-worth will be and on and on.

The same works the other way, when you self-criticise, judge or put yourself down, your confidence will decrease, your self-worth will go down and you’ll care less about what you eat, wear, do etc.

For example: I can be really hard on myself by putting myself under pressure to create better quality stuff in my work (blogs, programs, marketing, workshops etc) which leads to me trying to manage a huge to do list, being busy all the time, working late and not feeling like I’m doing enough, even though I’m working really hard!

In what ways do you not love yourself fully?

 

Why self-love is so important.

Self-love is not about being totally independent, doing it all alone or not accepting help and it doesn’t mean being selfish. When you love yourself you will believe in yourself, feel confident in who you are, know your true worth (and so not put up with anything that doesn’t match that), have clear and healthy boundaries, allow others to love you and much much more.

When you have a high level of self-love (care, respect, belief etc) you will find:

  • Life is just a bit easier and more joyful.
  • Your health and well-being will improve.
  • Your income will go up.
  • You will feel purposeful, satisfied and fulfilled.
  • Your relationships will improve.
  • You will feel happier, more relaxed and content.

 

How to really love yourself.

It sounds simple, but its not easy.

Loving yourself is a moment by moment, ongoing, consistent practice, of knowing your truth and choosing what best supports thatIt is a practice I have been doing consciously for many many years, through the thoughts that I think, the choices I make, the action I take and the self-knowledge I seek.

You can do the same. Each of the following (my 5 Self-Cs) is a way in, to more self-love:

  • Self-Care
  • Self-Confidence
  • Self-Clarity (aka beliefs)
  • Self-Compassion
  • Self-Connection

TAKE ACTION….

Pick one of these areas (psst: self-care is the easiest way in) and focus on it for the next week.

How can you increase your self-care? What would feel really good to you to do?

Do that. Rinse and repeat.

 

* Core unworthiness (as defined by Tej Steiner – creator of Heart Circles) is “the deep-seated experience that we are existentially, now and forevermore, unworthy of love. This can also be experienced as never ending self-criticism, a willingness to give love but not receive it, or as a profound sense of being disconnected from life. Modern psychology and its offshoots are laying down the pathways for this quest, but the understanding of core-unworthiness is still in its infancy stages. It has only been around for a mere 100 years rather than several thousand years.”

Love Hils x

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